Maybe

This has been a quiet week for me.  I’ve been more tired than usual, work has been slow and sometimes even called off, and I’ve slept in (which is always delightful).  It’s been a rainy week, so I haven’t gone out walking my thoughts as much.  The treadmill at my apartment just isn’t the same.  The air is stuffy and hot.  The view never changes.  You can’t hide the numbers: distance, heart rate, time elapsed.  And so, I’ve been less inspired.

Is this aging?  Is this changing meds?  Is this just one week out of the year I won’t remember beginning tomorrow?  Is this just the weather?  Is this a week culminating on Friday the 13th?  I don’t believe much in superstition, but there’s definitely something off today.  But maybe that’s just me.

So what do you do with these weeks?  Mostly let them pass and try to make the best each day.  I’ve been told to have a “toolkit” with activities, reminders, music that make you feel better on these quiet, cloudy days, but the difficulty really lies in opening it up.  In making the effort to engage on days you are exhausted, overwhelmed, disappointed, or just feel a little off.  I know what is good for me, most people do.  But sometimes, I make a less helpful choice.  The other day, I spent way too much time watching a new tv series.  Overall, I don’t worry about it, but tv is definitely an easy out that (unless you’re watching something educational, and I was not) isn’t giving you back more than entertainment.  It’s so easy to watch streaming shows in the evenings in lieu of things you eventually need to do (laundry, organizing piles, reading, working towards a new skill, developing a hobby, etc.).  Today, I ate pizza because it was 1:30pm and I was still out running errands, and I didn’t want to come home and cook in order to eat lunch closer to 2:30pm.  In general, I still think that was a great decision for that moment: I was hungry, cold (and wanting something hot), needed to be frugal (pizza by the slice is pretty cheap), and could get it at a grocery store before continuing on my errands run.  Would anything homemade be healthier?  You bet.  I’d probably feel (internally) better, but I planned to make something healthier for dinner.  Even though I ran a bunch of errands, I still didn’t feel very productive since I still have a lot of other things I (eventually) need to take care of but now no longer have the energy.

Maybe I need to actually build that toolkit, or maybe this was an off week.  Maybe I need to channel more patience with myself and all that aging brings.  Maybe I’m still transitioning to this East Coast weather.  Maybe it’s the effects of changing my medication.  Maybe it’s a little bit of everything.  Maybe this is life – just one week.  Mundane, typical, neither too overwhelming or too exciting.

Whatever this is, I believe in fresh starts.  Here’s to looking towards tomorrow, and enjoying a quiet evening at home tonight.

I will reflect more on this during my next sunny hike, and I will wonder, what do you do with these weeks?

 

 

 

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One thought on “Maybe

  1. Your posts are always so wonderfully self-reflective that they are like a healthy virus that creates a pause in the reader’s moment to self-reflect, engage with our own present, compare where we’re at in our moment in time, feel a sense of connection with you and your moment, and search for our own wisdoms about your dedicated thought. So, maybe because life is long, we have weeks/days/moments that create a personal range of experiences, emotions, and thoughts that provide perspective and wisdom we get to share, intenalize and/or integrate. Maybe we can’t have fresh starts without endings; sometimes sorry to see some things end and other times can’t wait to have some things end. Maybe?

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