Measure

How do we measure the meaningful things in our lives?  Our success?  I suppose I compartmentalize some things between friends and family, work (because usually I’m being evaluated without being requested to share any feedback myself), and other life things.  Some of the big things, like finishing school, buying a house, buying a used car, finishing a race, and completing a project give a definitive mark of completion – something to easily measure your accomplishment.  More often than not, it’s the small accomplishments that aren’t marked as “done” where I measure success and meaning.

For me, I find myself proud of my plants.  My gardening is continuous, but every bloom or vegetable that appears marks a new success.  I’m still going to work on it – I have to or else it may not survive, and because this is what I like to do.  Now that the season is shifting into fall, I’m pretty much done with new planting.  My outside garden has been weeded, mulched, and watered.  That’s about it.  I’m going to enjoy it until the plants go dormant as the temperatures continue to drop.  Many of them will come back again next year, and it is always a joyful surprise to see what makes it, what has expanded, and where I forgot things were planted.

As far as my house plants, I’m very good at the green ones without flowers.  The ones you water weekly that aren’t too fussy.  Over the past few years, I’ve occasionally received roses, orchids, and other flowering house plants that just didn’t survive for too long.  I had told myself I’m just not good at flowers inside.  Well, that’s not true – it’s really more of a challenge.  I bought an african violet plant, full of flowers, to try again many months ago.  It’s a fussy plant that needs just-so light, watering from the roots, and special plant food.  Needless to say, it took me a little while to find the right light and I didn’t buy the plant food until after all the flowers fell.  This time, I didn’t give up.  I decided that I was up for the challenge to see if I could nurture the plant back into blooming.

The week before the flowers suddenly appeared, I even contemplated throwing out the plant into my compost pile and declaring myself unable to house-bloom.  I’m so glad that I kept trying.  This, my friends, is how I measure my success.  I did a thing that I didn’t think I could do – that I almost gave up on.  And I did it well.

I now own another african violet plant, and I am proud to say that I have not lost its flowers.  They sit near one another as reminders to keep trying, and you will grow.

 

Paths

There are many different paths.

I like to think of life as a large trail system without a map.  It’s up to you to adventure through and figure out where the path leads, and if you choose to continue going along the same way, or choose another direction.  You might try to draw the map of life that you are leading and imagine where it is going.  Or, you simply might just enjoy the trail and everything along the way.  No matter if you’re walking the same path, you will notice something different each day if you pay attention.  Things that feel the same may be similar, but it’s never really the same.

Like many trail systems, there are the main paths, but there also always seem to be side paths.  Someone else may have created it, or maybe a deer or other animal, but you may accidentally stumble upon it or intentionally choose the detour.  When you’re out hiking, you can always choose to stop and do something different.  If we slow down and think about it, in other parts of our lives, if we want, we can often choose to stop doing something about living another way.  We can move, we can start or grow a family, we can change careers, we can make new friends, we can join a community or group, and we can keep learning through books or formal education.  Sometimes we lose things that impact our paths: someone close may pass away, friends may move, your employment may be terminated, your community may become smaller, and as we all grow up, we may lose certain abilities that we once had.

Our unmapped lives can be exciting.  We may think we walk alone, but we hardly ever do.  There are people who walked this way before, and people who may join you for a time along your path before they step into a new direction.  It’s the ultimate choose-your-own-adventure story, this life of ours.  The path is unknown but it’s still there.  And anyone who enjoys a good hike knows that some of the best paths are the ones that go through various terrain, try us, make us wonder what we are doing out here, and of course, cause us to reflect on what a grand adventure it is- and keep us wanting more.

What is the next path you will take – not fully knowing where it will lead?

Clear

Earlier this spring, I started clearing out all the ivy that was in my yard.  It was indeed, no small feat.  I stopped at the end of April because I had no extra time with all the additional hours at work I had to take on, and now I’ve resumed ivy removal again in June.

In one area that once was all ivy, I started a garden.  I planted iris, gladiola bulbs, strawberries, lillies, and black-eye susans.  My intention is to continue to grow it slowly into more of a pollinator area.  In my back yard, however, I envisioned creating a rock pathway to walk through my garden.  Now that I’ve gotten all the ivy (and most of its roots) out of the ground and off the fence, I’m no longer sure.

All I know is that it was cathartic to clear a path.

The ivy wasn’t working – it was choking plants, growing over the fence into neighboring yards, and taking up more space than it should.  It was hard to see how to the yard could be different when there was just so much of the ivy everywhere I looked.  I know that the ivy will continue to grow since our yard is surrounded by it also from other yards, but I wanted to make it manageable.  Even though it’s clear now and I know that’s what I needed to do, I no longer am sure of what is to happen next.  I’m no longer sure where this path is supposed to take me, but I’m open to the possibilities that are now popping up in the midst of creating more space.

Here’s to finding a new direction.

 

 

 

 

In Chaos

We all have times of chaos.  Sometimes it’s just work.  Sometimes it’s family.  Sometimes it’s health or something else.  And sometimes, it’s everything at once.

In my midst of my current chaos, I’m trying to be grateful that it’s “controlled chaos.”  In theory, it’s just one very jam-packed, extra-hours, full days – full weeks, kind of work that has my flying here and there for about 26 hours at a time and back at it again.  That should only be for a month.  That’s it – I just have to make it through!  So for that, I am so, so grateful.  It’s still hard, of course, when you’re burning yourself out since you already passed the running yourself thin zone and kept going. I immediately got sick during the second week after traveling since the lead-up to this month had left me running, running, running to get ready for it – and set me up for my body trying to make me take a break.  And in theory, I absolutely should have.  But since I can’t, and people are telling me to just push through, I keep pushing.

So I’m struggling through it.  And it’s all for a good cause – for beautiful, human celebration.  When I’m there in the work moments where you see others shining and finding community, you know why you do it.  It’s different than other scenarios I’ve faced.  But on days when I’ve slept for 10 hours and wake up exhausted, only to push myself through until I get home, I start getting dismayed.  I come home with nothing left to give – to myself, to my marriage, to my home, to my family, and to my neighbors.  Nothing.  I water my plants and send my friends the occasional text so I feel like I didn’t just drop out of life completely.  I’m just tired of being tired.  I’m tired of not having enough left in me to do more than eating something before bed, only so I have enough energy to get up and repeat it all over again.  This just isn’t me normally.  It’s an uncomfortable place that I do not wish to remain for long.

In getting tired about being tired and acknowledging that to myself, it allowed me a moment to shift and somehow find a little more in myself.  No big changes – just tiny additions that are possible and help make long days a little lighter.

I took my lunch outside to eat, so I wouldn’t get pulled away from the only break I have.  I sat under a tree in the sunshine.  It was exactly what I needed.  Sunshine, fresh air, food, and being away from emails and calls and other distractions that pull me in multiple directions at once.  I haven’t been able to take my full lunch break in quite a while, so it was refreshing.

The other tiny addition I had was to do something for myself.  It’s hard to imagine adding anything to my day when I come home with no energy since I’ve already cut back on positive things that I usually do, including going to the gym and cooking from scratch.  Instead, I brought along a little magic to leave behind on a trail that I often walk during lunch breaks outside of this month.  I can’t tell you why this makes me so happy, but to leave a fairy or gnome in nature for others to find (but only if they are looking up from their phones and paying attention), brings me joy.  I’m not sure when the idea of doing this started, but I do remember being a teenager and already wanting to leave gnomes along hiking trails.  However, I only started doing this – and only occasionally – this year.

I know that this act of random fairy-ing is strange.  I know that many people would and likely do laugh at this.  I realize that some people may even see this littering.  I’m doing it anyway because it makes me happy and doesn’t seem to be causing harm – and is leaving nothing permanent along the trail. It helps that because this is what delights me (stumbling upon unexpected wonders), and I like to believe that others will enjoy it as well.  Perhaps giving them a moment to shift from wherever they are to a moment of contentment and curiosity.

Taking a moment for myself is the hardest thing for me to remember to do when in chaos. I’m so glad that I found it within myself again. Doing one small thing that makes you happy – even for just a moment, really can create a larger shift.  May you find it within yourselves during those times that seem too much.  May you remember that you, too, have magic to share with the world.

 

Kindness

One of the greatest gifts to receive is an unexpected kindness.  I’ve received quite a few this month, and I’m incredibly grateful.

I’d like to spotlight the kindness of time.  We all have an equal amount of time every day, and it’s up to us how we use it.  When someone gives you the time – whether it’s showing up to bear witness to a life event, listening to you speak your mind, someone taking the time to listen to you and help you navigate towards a solution, or simply, pausing to give you space while they are there with you.  Giving someone your time is a very valuable thing.  They couldn’t be doing anything else – but they chose to make you a priority.

One of the greatest kindnesses I received this month was from a bus driver.  I have a pretty good sense of what time the bus I take to work arrives at the stop I need to be picked up at.  I have the app on my phone to keep up with delays or early arrivals.  Despite this, I’m always cutting it close – and sometimes, missing the bus by 30 seconds – all because I didn’t want to arrive too early and have a case of the one-more-thing’s.  So the gift, is one day, as I saw the bus driving by (and I was on the hill overlooking the bus stop) and I slowed down because I knew I’d have to switch directions and find another way to get to work.  The bus stopped.  There was no one at the stop, and no one was getting off the bus.  I started running, hardly believing my luck!  This very kind bus driver somehow noticed me – and recognized me from the regular route.  Despite the fact that he did not need to wait for me because I certainly wasn’t where I needed to be, he paused and gave me his time.  In fact, he gave me everyone else’s time, too, who was riding the bus.  What a kindness!  I realize this maybe extended the bus ride by one minute, but when one minute makes or breaks you getting to work on time and how you begin your day, his decision to pause and wait was one of such beauty.  My day couldn’t have started any better.  I don’t really think about how people may really notice me on a commute when everyone is rushing.  Or how many people care about where you are going when we all got jobs we’re going to (or already working).

So when you can slow down and pause, give your time.  Give your patience.  These small acts have much larger positive effects than you realize.  You may never really know because you may not receive more than a thank-you (if you even get that), but try to know in your heart that you’re making a difference.  You really can help set the tone for someone’s day or change its course.

Grow

This past month has delighted me as spring has started.

There’s more sunshine in my world, which I didn’t realize how much I missed until I had more of it.  It’s a little warmer – at least more days during each week.  I no longer have to wear two pairs of pants just to get to work (and even there until the heat really fills the office hours later).  My favorite part of this year, however, is the visible growth.  I’m seeing a lot of green coming up everywhere I go.  It’s such a great reminder that we go through cyclical processes, and there’s always growth.

We’re always growing as people, and sometimes we only really notice it during certain times.  I’ve been staying home most of winter because it’s just really cold and I don’t feel like going out.  It’s really hard to convince me to go somewhere after work that doesn’t involve slippers and fleece blankets – I just want to be comfy and warm.  Now that it’s spring, I’m outside as much as I can.  I’ve already started seeds inside, so I can transplant them later outside in an herb garden.  I’ve already putting in blooming flowers for a little color while we’re just beginning again.  I’ve already begun pulling out the ivy that has thrived over freezes and is trying to take over yards of ground and all the other plants around.  I feel a big shift in myself to get outside, toil in the soil, and make tangible progress.  I honestly feel more accomplished with my plants than with everything I do for my job.  And a lot of these plants just do what is natural for them, which is to keep coming back year after year.  If you saw my yard in winter, and you came back in spring, you wouldn’t recognize it.  I know this happens every year, and I let myself be surprised and overjoyed as this new phase happens.

I’m also trying to grow myself more socially now.  It’s light outside as I leave work, and I feel the shift in others, too, as we thaw out of just trying to get to the next building mentality and instead take a moment to smile, say hi, or hold a door open.  I’m trying to put myself out there a little more to make some new friends.  I just met up with a new friend during my lunch break instead of carving out time after work, and trying a different time really worked well for both of us.  Last weekend, I reconnected with an old friend who I had lost touch with for over five years.  Just like the plants in my yard, our friendship had solid roots and we were able to catch up about all the years as we walked nine miles through the woods, looping back to the start.

So whatever it is that you want to do, start now.  Plant the seed or just jump into planting a whole new growth.  This is the time.  Just look outside if you need a reminder that growth and change is happening all around us – no matter what else if going on in your life.

 

Share Love

Here we are again.  It’s February and we’re thinking about love and Valentine’s Day.  I know that Valentine’s Day can seem to be full of romantic love and unnecessary or expensive gifts.  Over the years, I developed my own tradition of writing cards to those I love – family and friends – as a way to just share non-romantic love.  I use Valentine’s Day to focus on those I really care about and make sure that I tell them how I feel.  Once a year – or at least I try.

Last year, I didn’t write to everyone, and yet, it wasn’t the end of the world – or even the end of my tradition.  You can review my own take of self-love and self-compassion when I didn’t meet my Valentine tradition.  I’m still proud of myself for not letting it stop me from trying this year.

I’m well on my way to writing over 30 cards this year.

Why do I do this – just two months after writing holiday cards to everyone?  Because it’s important to tell people that you love them.  You don’t always get a “perfect moment” or “right time” to express yourself, and I’d rather people know how I feel about them while we’re all living our lives.  And I know how nice it is to hear it; I want to make sure those that I love get to feel my love.  I don’t even know if I express myself well or clearly.  But I try to share anyway.

I don’t believe this kind of gift needs to cause expense  The words themselves are what is meaningful.  Any card can be a Valentine’s Day card if you write Happy Valentine’s Day in it.  As you can see above, I dressed up and ice cream cone with heart stickers to make it in-theme.  The biggest expense is just the postage.  And honestly, don’t you just feel great when you receive mail that isn’t a bill or junk?

And with all gifts, remember to give it because you just want to share it.  I don’t expect anything in return.  It’s wonderful if others share their love with me, too, and it’s okay if that doesn’t happen.  I give to give.  I know that at some point, I may not keep the tradition up, and that’s okay.  I hope that people will know that I love them whether or not they read my words.

May your month be full of love every day.  May you be inspired to share your love even more.

 

 

 

 

Break

I’ve broken my own self-imposed rule of writing a blog every week.

It’s been both liberating and anxiety-provoking.  I congratulate myself for being okay with taking an (unscheduled) break from something that only myself is judging myself on – and nag myself to get back on track by writing again.

It’s my life – this opposite mindset.  I can be okay and not be okay all at once.  I can be satisfied and proud – and demand more from myself (which I acknowledge that I wouldn’t demand from anyone else).  I both care a lot and realize I’d be okay to stop. I realize it’s all good.  I just have to decide what I want.

Now that it’s 2019 and many people have already made their resolutions (I decided not to this year – just reiterating my priorities to myself), I’ve decided to continue breaking my self-imposed writing rule.  I’m going to commit to blogging once a month.  I want to keep writing.  I need a regular rule in order for my taskmaster side to keep me in line and not get lazy.  I also want to do a lot of other things.  So that’s my new rule.  At least for now.

May you find yourself with an unexpected or expected break that allows you to clarify what you want and how best to take action.  Happy New Today.

Reset

Over the weekend, my phone finally died.  And when I say finally, I mean that I’ve had my first smartphone that was free live for well over 4 years – only to power off while I was driving to another state and running errands.

Now, there were many warning signs of its demise.  I’ve been worrying for a while now every time I powered my phone off that it may not come back on.  Apps were failing mid-use.  I had to charge my phone multiple times a day.  You might say, I just wouldn’t let this thing die.  Until it could hold on no more.

I have a new phone now, and I didn’t transfer anything over.  In a way, it’s nice to reset.  All week, I’ve been looking at my phone less because I didn’t login or download everything that previously was on my old phone.  I lost pretty much all my contacts, and I’ve only added people who responded to my request for numbers.  The list is much shorter these days.

This death of my first smart phone has allowed me to reconsider the use of my new phone.  To allow me to enjoy less of its technology-pull and more of my present living – even if only because I’m still learning its noises and where all the things are.  Aside from getting very lost on my drive home with no gps to help guide my way, I’m not very dependent on my phone.  I’m happy for this lesson.  Phones these days are so easy to use to fill up any free time, loneliness, stress, and capturing happy moments.  For now, I’m going to let it set on the table near me and tune out its notifications for the rest of this evening.  I’m going to not Snapchat my dinner to my best friend and family.  I’m going to read and rest because I’ve been sick all week, and that sounds like a good way to start my weekend.

May you find a reset that you didn’t know you needed.

 

Family

This has been a most splendid past few days.  I’ve been surrounded by loved ones – more specifically, my family.  I’m one of those lucky ones who got good parents.  You know the kind – those who love you unconditionally (even if you do things that they disagree with), who respect your boundaries, who don’t set selfish expectations on you, and those that show up in all your wonderful and horrible moments if you want them to.  The kind that welcome you into their home, and make themselves comfortable in yours.  I’m so lucky to be surrounded by family that has and is continuing to navigate this crazy, chaotic, and totally wonderful thing that is life – while also making the time to share it with me.

One of the things that I love about my family is our extra-special Thanksgiving celebrations.  While many don’t celebrate the holiday, it’s known as a time for gratitude.  My sister and I share this holiday in celebration of our birth.  We’re not twins, although many people have mistaken us for it, and we celebrate our birthdays three years and three days apart falling around Thanksgiving.  This year, my sister’s birthday was on this turkey-licious day.  She has typically taken over the Thanksgiving meal, and for her birthday (and sanity) request, my husband and I hosted this year.  I’m so grateful to have a family that can ask for help, that can show up and help, and that pitch in even without being asked.  My family (immediate and extended) shows up with sides, beverages, and desserts.  My sister got a nap, love-filled childcare, and lots of coffee.

For my birthday today, that same family showed up for me and took part in what I wanted.  Free coffee, walking, and animals.  I got to pet a dog, hold a baby, jump around with a toddler, eat barbecue with my parents, and walk with family and strangers alike looking at monkeys.  All on a beautiful, sunny day.

I am enormously grateful for everyone in my life, especially my family.  To the people that have shaped me early on and continue to share, shape, and celebrate me and our lives.  What a crazy, chaotic, and completely fantastic adventure we are on.